More Than Mad: How Anger Hides the Pain We’re Afraid to Feel
I’ve sat with anger more times than I can count — in my clients, in myself, in the quiet corners of conversations where people admit they’re "just so mad" and they don’t even know why.
And what I’ve learned — over and over — is this:
Anger is rarely just anger.
It’s a messenger.
It’s a shield.
It’s the visible tip of something much, much deeper.
The Anger Iceberg
You might have heard of the Anger Iceberg — a simple but powerful way of understanding that what we see on the surface (the anger) is only a small part of the story.
Beneath that surface?
There’s a whole ocean of emotions most people never get to see — or even acknowledge.
Because anger is fast.
It’s loud.
It feels strong when everything else underneath feels confusing, overwhelming, or just plain unbearable.
Underneath anger, you’ll often find:
Deep sadness that never had a safe place to land.
Grief over lost love, lost opportunities, or lost parts of ourselves.
Fear of rejection, abandonment, failure.
Frustration over unmet needs and silent struggles.
We reach for anger because it feels safer to be furious than it does to feel helpless.
It feels powerful to lash out when being honest about our hurt would leave us exposed.
Anger becomes the armour — but underneath, there’s a tender, hurting heart waiting to be seen.
Why I Say Anger Hides Deeper Emotions
Every time I work with a client who is "stuck" in anger, we find something underneath it — every single time.
Anger says, "Something’s wrong!"
But if we sit with it, if we dare to lift the iceberg and look underneath, we usually find the real story:
"I’m heartbroken."
"I feel unseen."
"I’m grieving what should have been."
"I’m terrified of being abandoned again."
That’s why I always say:
Anger hides deep sadness, deep loss, and deep unmet needs that were never satisfied.
And until we tend to those hidden emotions, anger will keep crashing through our lives like waves against a breaking shore.
How to Work With Anger (Instead of Against It)
🌿 Get curious, not judgmental.
Instead of asking, "Why am I so mad?" try, "What is my anger trying to protect right now?"
🌿 Slow the moment down.
Anger speeds everything up. Healing asks us to pause. Take a deep breath. Name what else you feel besides the anger.
🌿 Dig for the real feeling.
Is it sadness? Fear? Grief? Shame? Loneliness? Name it. Naming is power.
🌿 Treat your anger with respect.
It’s been trying to protect you.
It’s just time to give your deeper emotions a voice too.
Final Thought
If anger feels like your constant companion, please hear this:
You are not "too much."
You are not "out of control."
You are not broken.
You are protecting parts of yourself that didn’t know how to survive any other way.
But now?
You’re strong enough to heal — not by pushing the anger away, but by listening to it.
When you honour what’s underneath your anger — the grief, the loneliness, the unmet needs — you finally start living in truth, not just reaction.
You stop surviving.
You start thriving.
And that?
That’s where real, lasting freedom lives.
If you're ready to explore what's underneath the surface and start healing the deeper wounds, I’m here to walk with you.
You don't have to dive into the Anger Iceberg alone.
— Sandra Rives
